I have had an unfortunate year and a half. My parents were going to get divorced- but never told me when or what to expect or how things were going to change. It was a mystery.
And then a horrific car crash. A broken father and still divorce looms like a dark cloud with villains in the wings waiting for the storm to break.
I was a caretaker to someone who couldn't remember his own thoughts or feelings. I had to advocate for him when I felt most like I didn't even know him. I felt betrayed by all the secrets and things no one wanted to talk about.
And now today when I come back home from school and he doesn't even remember that I've been gone for three weeks.
I hate not knowing how things will turn out and I hate not having any say in the matter. 
I wish things were different.

Short Story just because

I grew up with and lived vivaciously through Sam. He let me tag along to everything and stood up for me to all of his friends. As he hugged me at his graduation though, there was only one thing I could think about- I knew something about Sam that no one else did.
Sam would joke with me always that I would forever be alone. Little did he know that he would be as well. Sam met Laine in the first semester of his Junior yearor high school. Personally Laine wasn't my favorite person. She had light brown hair that she kept long enough that you were sure she had intentions of weaving a noose for you out of it. But Sam was smitten. He adored Laine enough that one day as I was leaving his house quietly after playing video games and doing homework he pulled me aside. "Mill, you can't come over tomorrow."  That was all he said. He shrugged and closed the door. I walked home alone calmly. I was sure that this was just a phase, sure that he would say sorry, sure that you couldn't lose a best friend that fast. But Sam didnt talk to me for months. I would like to think that Sam realized that this left me utterly alone. Sam would sometimes leave me notes in my locker with little quotes, but when he would smile towards me at school Laine would step between us. He would mouth 'Millie, I'll see you later' before Laine would glare at him and then turn to me. "Mildred, please go darken a different doorway. Your presence suffocates me." I waited for him to stand up to her like he had to everyone else before. Sam never did.
It wasn't until that year with Laine was over before Sam spoke to me again. During spring break he knocked on my door and invited me over. I followed him cautiously back to his familiar living room in his familiar house that contained a not so familiar boy now. Apparently Laine had decided that I wasn't a threat. After all, she was a much classier and much more like Sam than I was. To his credit, Sam was very good at pretending nothing had happened. He would even talk about Laine all the time. As I always did before I would listen and nod. I'm not sure Sam knew that he was my world and that I never talked about my life because I virtually didn't have one, but I think he realized it when he lost his world- and mine as well.Sam and Laine lasted a little more than a year. Sam didn't extrapolate on why he broke up with Laine, but I could tell it was like an acid devouring his insides. He didn't talk very much at all anymore. I had thought he had finally realized he was dating a contemptible egomaniac, but I was mistaken. Sam would look at me blankly sometimes as if I was someone else. It was hard to be silent at those times when all of my body was telling me to hug him. After some time Sam started talking to me again. Alarmingly, he started talking about Laine. He only muttered about how she was good and friendly and perfect. I wished he would come to his senses and realize that he had left her for a reason. During one of his muttering rants Sam grew quiet. He turned to me with wide eyes and whispered "I never loved Laine..." He abruptly left the room then and I heard him go to his room and close the door. I picked up my back pack and walked home. I was pretty sure Sam had gone crazy.
After that day we didn't play video games any more. I would read a book while Sam stared at my face and talked. In these weeks I realized more and more why Sam had left Laine. I realized that every smile he had with Laine and every day he had abandoned me had been a lie. Sam had somehow never loved this girl. Never mind the fact that she was cold and impossible to love anyway. Sam had tried to love for more than a year and failed. I watched him begin to fear that he couldn't love at all. But I knew it for sure: Sam would never be in love.
After Sam regained his composure he found other girls to date. These girls he made sure would tolerate our friendship. These girls were confused by Sam letting a younger girl follow him like a puppy. They didn't know Sam like I did. They didn't know that he would never love them. One by one these girls faded from the picture and it was just me and Sam again. Another year passed and Sam graduated. That summer Sam looked at me and told me he loved me. I wish I could have believed him, because it broke his heart that I was the only one he couldn't pretend with. But I couldn't let Sam pretend to love the only girl that ever loved him without any hope of receiving love in return.

For the sake of sharing

So I read this article and laughed so hard that I cried a little bit. Apparently people can pass of huge ferrets as poodles. And somehow it worked! The picture cracks me up because I just can't imagine that a well groomed ferret was actually purchased instead of a poodle!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/08/ferrets-rodents-sold-as-toy-poodles-argentina_n_3037094.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopularhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/08/ferrets-rodents-sold-as-toy-poodles-argentina_n_3037094.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Proverbs 18:13

"He who answers before listening- that is his folly and his shame."
I'm a little frustrated with my mom for this right now. I don't know where inherited my love of listening from, certainly not from her.  Who knows maybe she just listens to a different song than I do.  But proverbs agrees with me that listening is a good thing!
Also, I stayed up to finish the last book of one of my favorite trilogies.  Reached, by Ally Condie, was well worth the wait and I liked how it concluded everything.
Farewell and to all a good day/morning/night :p

Public Spaces

In English class yesterday we read a sheet that was arguing about how people all say things in private that they wouldn't say otherwise and that the real crime is exposing what people say in private. Well, I don't agree with that. I think that if you are going to say it in private even if you don't want someone to know you shouldn't be surprised if they find out! People from my own personal life that I talk about here all have this address, so I run the risk of them reading this everyday. But this is how I feel and that is why I write it and I have no shame in that.  When you begin talking in private about things you would be disowned or hated for isn't that a sign to you? Either there isn't a reason that they would hate you for it (unlikely) or you really should be telling someone, in public, your views to get the problem fixed. Yes I understand that in certain cases like government workers there are lines. But to most of us that doesn't apply. So- I propose that we take responsibility for our actions, and our voices.

One Year and a New Year

So I feel like talking. To myself, to anyone who replies, whomever. But it's been a year since I started this.  Have things changed?  Well I don't hang out with that same group of friends who never listened. So yes, in a way they have.  Now I don't get so discouraged that I don't give anyone a chance to listen.
Now I am reasonably assured that T isn't going anywhere and that he listens half the time :p
Now I don't bother you guys with six posts a day.... Sorry about that :)
But also I get half the reads I used to.... I'm not sure if that bothers me.  It's not about how many people read it for me. It's more about how many people it means something to.  So I hope I've done a service for you guys somehow, some way and that's why you come back.     And if not I'll keep trying? :p I don't know
Maybe if I can't help you out here I can engineer you something to save the world (environmental engineer wanna be here. Call me crazy irrational if you must, but I do believe at the top of the page I announced I was a dreamer :p So obviously that much hasn't changed.)
I have became a little more business savvy at least.  My little scarf and earring business is doing the best it probably ever has.
If I had to say one super extremely different thing though, I would probably say I wonder about the world a lot more now. I see what country my views come from and I just wish that I could meet all of you. It just seems so unreal to me. Heck, I don't even have a passport!
So that is all for tonight. Are you smiling? Youuuu shoulllddddddd beeeeee :) we've all got something worth smiling over.
Happy New Year if we don't meet again before then

Note to Self: Don't Read Scary Books

Reading scary books is terribly unbecoming of me. I cringe and get spooked and repine, a lot! So to calm myself down after a good sit down with Hide by Lisa Gardner, I planned to go on a good trail run early one morning. Actually, trail run wasn't the right word I came to find out. I was going to the woods in my neighborhood and I found my old path over grown. Okay, I took that in stride and trekked through the brush. I had fully accepted that I was going to have a major case of Poison Ivy by the time I got home and that my trail was never going to clear out. So I happily bounced through the bushes, but jumped at every noise. (Paranoia at it's finest) Then I came to a very well used trail.... No over-growth to speak of. It CREEPED me out. What if I had a Christopher or Tommy (book characters) living in my own backyard? O.O I was very weary after that. I crept down the trail in one direction to find a shed with a window facing my exact location. Since I had read that book recently I jumped behind a tree and then fled for my life. Totally ridiculous, I may add. One other part of the path was just a small loop. The last part went to a yard in my neighborhood. I am still not entirely sure I trust the trail now but I will run on it again... but with a friend next time..... Just to be safe..... I need to stop reading freaky books :P Agreed?

If Life Were a Movie...

If life was a film-makers creation, I think the job description of little kids would be as the comic relief :P Little kids just look at things so differently and are so brutally honest. Yesterday I was with my pregnant friend, a little boy and some other people. The little boy's mother says to him "Look she's growing a baby in her tummy! Isn't that cool???" The little boy looks at his mom, then looks at my friend. "Her? Her tummy has a baby?" He asked. "Yeah! It's great!" His mom gushed.
You could see the thought process in this little boy's mind. As far as he was concerned, my friend had trapped a baby in her tummy, was holding it hostage and his mom thought it was 'great!'. He was just wondering 'Where does that leave me??' O.o  He's so cute though and I love him to death! Little kids make my day :)

Always Working on New Things

So I have two scarves which I need to finish and lots of beads I feel obligated to use. But now I have glass bottles at my disposal! My brain has been cranking out ideas all day of what to do. Because I have to do SOMETHING :P I'm recalling seeing melted down bottles at the beach before. They were put in a kiln so that they melted to flatness. I think it would be cool if I could add a twist to that... but I don't have a kiln. Hmm. Let the games begin!

40 days and 40 nights

I have 40 days of writing ahead of me. I have set out on a task to write while T is gone every single day. They will be presented to him on his birthday. It seems daunting but I am excited none the less!
Music to encourage my hand not to cramp and for my thoughts to flow? Sure, why not!
I've had this song stuck in my head for atleast a week if not more
I Never Told You -Colbie Calliat (Sad thing is that most of these lyrics will be coming from off the top of my head since they've been floating around in there)
"I miss those blue eyes, how you kissed me at night, I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile, I miss the way we breathe
-But I never told you what I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything about you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you, without you
-I see your blue eyes every time I close mine
You make it hard to see where I belong to when I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me
-But I never told you what I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything about you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you, without you
-But I never told you what I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
After all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you, without you

That Time of Year

It was that time of year again guys! Taking care of little girls, smiling, laughing, acting CRAZY! That pretty much sums up Girl Scout Camp. The girls always amaze me :) I was feeling a little sick so I put on my girl scout smile and went to hang out in my tent. Low and behold I had a little girl who turned down all other offers to do fun stuff so that she could hang out with me. Anyone else see something wrong with this??? Cards, fun stuff: 'No.' Sick feeling older girl: 'Heck yes! sounds fun' Hm. Anyways I love her to death :) <3
Also my other little friend who I met the very first day and LOVED. She is just precious and caring and patient. I see a bright future for her in life. Camp always reminds me of the potential our children have. *Sigh*
Also nice, we woke up earlllyyy in the morning (or late in the night, depends on how you look at it :P) and 5 older girls hiked up to a local landmark. Camp is on a mountainous state park. We hiked to an old structure that sits on the ridge of the mountain and overlooks the city. We went up there and watched the morning sunrise. It was beautiful! The lights of the city before the sun rose were really cool too. Today has been enlightening and encouraging. It made me glad to be alive.
Also, it made me glad to be alive because I almost drown in the lake yesterday... So yeah... I lived! Yay!!!

Two for the Price of One

So I go to fye (local music store for anyone who doesn't know) because I have $2 on a gift card. I browse around and then find a Relient K CD for $4. I was pretty impressed with that since there were 26 songs on the CD. Upon arrival in the car I pop it in. I like looking at the little books albums come with so I start to search for it. I find it and pull it out but there's still something in the case. It's one of the paper cases with the little cubby slots if you're wondering. I shake it and out comes a printed but unnamed CD. It doesn't look like Relient K though. I pop it in and recognize the songs. It is confirmed to be a Sublime CD. So I will peruse it since it has so craftily been given to me. Not bad to get two CDs for $1.88!

Where's a cat?

Finally changed the profile name. If you guys are curious it's my first initial and what my little girl scout friends call me because of my middle name. I like it better. It's more fitting since I have ohhh a MILLION nicknames. Hope it doesn't freak anyone out :)

Cicada Zombie Apocalypse O.o

So, kittens at the place I volunteer were playing with a dead cicada. So when I find another dead cicada I thought I would give it to them. I pick it up to find that it has no head and is being devoured by ants. I think to myself 'Okay, just shake off the ants and let the kittens play with it' So that's what I intend to do. Then I notice it's legs twitching. 'Okay, I've heard of stuff like that before. No big deal. After all it doesn't even have a HEAD' I get inside to the kittens and lay it down for them. It starts full out kicking. 'Okay, not normal' I go to pick it up and the thing starts flapping it's wings and clicking and acting like  a real live cicada. BUT IT HAS NO HEAD! So my logical brain is telling me 'If it looks like a live cicada, moves like a live cicada and sounds like a live cicada its probably alive!' So I'm observing it struggle wondering what to do to it when it stings/stabs me with the sharp end of it's butt! At this point I decided that I would not let a zombie cicada patronize me. (Especially since I'm allergic to stinging bugs and I don't know what just happened!) I put it out of it's misery.  Crazy thing!
But yeah if you're a tl;dr kind of person THE CICADA ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE EXISTS!

Traveling through Life

Today, has been difficult. I found a song on a blog I like that has made it a little better though. I don't want to post it for the fact that I found it on another blog but it's by a band called Passenger. I like it a lot. It's made my headache bearable. As everyone scoffs at me listening to music while having a headache. I'm sorry guys! I'm vulnerable to a good song!
Title is a nod to the band name and also to the fact that I'm somehow still moving on this journey.

Musings

I'm considering changing my profile name. I know that it is a little out there. Also, the friend who deemed it my title for the rest of my life (Okay, she may not have been that harsh about it :P) Has drifted away from me and I don't feel as closely bound to the name as I used to. So, if you guys read this and find it posted by a different profile name DO NOT BE ALARMED. Even though no one but me probably cares :P I'm on the hunt for a more fitting one. I will be considering it, hopefully next time I will have a good idea! Ideas are excepted, if indeed someone else does care :P

Selling, Studying, Songs and more

So I've been busy with all assortments of studying lately. But I do have a few songs I want to post. Also I had been busy with my first ever booth sale! *Yayyyy* I made more than I hoped to and I enjoyed my time selling. My boyfriend's mom even stopped by to pick up something :P Wasn't expecting that for sure!
So here's a dilemma: When doing a project with someone from the complete opposite end of the learning caste system should you A) Do all the work because you know the product will be better that way and then say they did some or B) Say they didn't do any, but you kinda didn't let them? I don't know I haven't decided I've done most of the work and I can't say he tried to help much but I'm not sure I would have wanted him too.

And now music :) Still love-hating Pandora :P
But it got me this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMTvmDTO1pk
This being Dark Blue, by Jack's Mannequin. I like it it sounds cool.

Also, just as a bonus because I dug out my CD last night
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_QlhFfVtxU
One of the Boys, by Katy Perry.

No Love -Simple Plan

Watching a group of teenage boys mutilate a dead bird that I wanted to save less than 5 minutes earlier is possibly the worst thing that could have happened today. I let my tongue slip. I shouldn't have. So here's a song. No youtube so lyrics is all I can offer. Sorry guys.
"There's only hate, there is only tears. There's only hate, there's no love here. So what will you do? There's only lies. There's only pain. There's only fear, there is no love here. Broken down like a mirror smashed to pieces. You learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smile. If these walls could talk they'd have so much to say because every time you fight the scars will heal but they're never gonna go away."
I can't believe that boys can act like that. And also that I will watch them, or others like them, act that way their whole lives. It's.... unbelieveable

Swing, Swing - All American rejects

I revisited my Pandora today. I remembered how much of a love- hate relationship I have with it. I love the variety and new artists I can find. I HATE the fact that I can only play the song once and that I can't reverse! Also my Pandora has been skipping today. So when this song came on I heard 30 seconds before it changed. I was just staring like 'No! I love that song!!!!' So here. Hopefully you guys will give it a better chance than Pandora did!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzLBnoAf67g

'How Does That Make You Feel?'

I feel really witty today :P It's strange. I'm usually really wry with my humor. I kind of feel like you should earn a good laugh with your intelligence instead of having someone lend you one. But regardless I've been really wry today, but in a good way. I've been totally cute :P Anyway I hope you guys are having a good day. Standardized Testing is NOT fun :P I think it's eating my insides.
Friends are silly people. They always try to convince you that you're 'awesome'. Well, I'm going to tell you guys now. I am not awesome. I am scared of the dark (Actually it's the things in the dark if we're going to get specific :P) and I blog my feelings out. Which I love! Don't get me wrong. People who hate on this have never tried. But I'm not awesome. You guys read this, you knooowww what I mean :P But I'm alive and I'm ok. I don't need a pep talk all the time :P I feel like my friends want to be my shrink! So how does that make me feel? Awkward :)