I have had an unfortunate year and a half. My parents were going to get divorced- but never told me when or what to expect or how things were going to change. It was a mystery.
And then a horrific car crash. A broken father and still divorce looms like a dark cloud with villains in the wings waiting for the storm to break.
I was a caretaker to someone who couldn't remember his own thoughts or feelings. I had to advocate for him when I felt most like I didn't even know him. I felt betrayed by all the secrets and things no one wanted to talk about.
And now today when I come back home from school and he doesn't even remember that I've been gone for three weeks.
I hate not knowing how things will turn out and I hate not having any say in the matter. 
I wish things were different.

Sage

I would wake up on the cold mornings
To my moms fingers in my hair.
Three parts, tied up, braided
Now I get up to get prepared
To face the morning, the frost on all the windows.

I sit down in the kitchen.
My mother sits beside
Into my palm she places
Half of a small, grey green leaf.
I break it like she taught me
And she does the same.
Crushed between our fingers
The small does now exclaim
A smell that momma always says will be what heaven smells of
A smell that someone can't describe,
After all it is a part of nature itself-
As each of us is-
And so only comparisons suffice,
A smell of earth and home and hurt and love.

I watch momma smell her damaged leaf
She looks sadly out the window.
I know she often feels quite hurt
and the sage helps her know so.
The smell helps her remember
Not everything is good or bad
Some you just must remember.

In My Bones -Ron Pope

"But it's my fault, I don't care. I can't hate you if you're not here"
"The truth about the two of us is that we don't make no sense,"
I love this song. It has some really nice pieces that catch my ear when I listen to it. Even though it's a sad song it doesn't really sound like it when I just listen to the background. I like that when you put them together it makes a complex mood to the whole song.

Menagerie of music!

I've been finding all sorts of good music in unusual places recently. It's exciting!
The first good song is by Erick Baker. I first heard it on a not usually music playing radio station... So that made it unusual to start out. The Last Time is bitter and dark but really awesome and I would really be more than happy to just listen to it all the time. He is really, really good.
Next we have Jasmine Thompson. I heard her on Pandora singing "Let Her Go" and it was really good. I listened to her sing "I See Fire" as well and if those two are anything to judge by she is just really good in general.
The next band is one I've liked for a while. Like most every one else in the world I found Augustana through "Boston," but when their song Hey Now came up on my pandora I found that it was really nice too. I'm not sure that it can beat the previous two though....

Short Story just because

I grew up with and lived vivaciously through Sam. He let me tag along to everything and stood up for me to all of his friends. As he hugged me at his graduation though, there was only one thing I could think about- I knew something about Sam that no one else did.
Sam would joke with me always that I would forever be alone. Little did he know that he would be as well. Sam met Laine in the first semester of his Junior yearor high school. Personally Laine wasn't my favorite person. She had light brown hair that she kept long enough that you were sure she had intentions of weaving a noose for you out of it. But Sam was smitten. He adored Laine enough that one day as I was leaving his house quietly after playing video games and doing homework he pulled me aside. "Mill, you can't come over tomorrow."  That was all he said. He shrugged and closed the door. I walked home alone calmly. I was sure that this was just a phase, sure that he would say sorry, sure that you couldn't lose a best friend that fast. But Sam didnt talk to me for months. I would like to think that Sam realized that this left me utterly alone. Sam would sometimes leave me notes in my locker with little quotes, but when he would smile towards me at school Laine would step between us. He would mouth 'Millie, I'll see you later' before Laine would glare at him and then turn to me. "Mildred, please go darken a different doorway. Your presence suffocates me." I waited for him to stand up to her like he had to everyone else before. Sam never did.
It wasn't until that year with Laine was over before Sam spoke to me again. During spring break he knocked on my door and invited me over. I followed him cautiously back to his familiar living room in his familiar house that contained a not so familiar boy now. Apparently Laine had decided that I wasn't a threat. After all, she was a much classier and much more like Sam than I was. To his credit, Sam was very good at pretending nothing had happened. He would even talk about Laine all the time. As I always did before I would listen and nod. I'm not sure Sam knew that he was my world and that I never talked about my life because I virtually didn't have one, but I think he realized it when he lost his world- and mine as well.Sam and Laine lasted a little more than a year. Sam didn't extrapolate on why he broke up with Laine, but I could tell it was like an acid devouring his insides. He didn't talk very much at all anymore. I had thought he had finally realized he was dating a contemptible egomaniac, but I was mistaken. Sam would look at me blankly sometimes as if I was someone else. It was hard to be silent at those times when all of my body was telling me to hug him. After some time Sam started talking to me again. Alarmingly, he started talking about Laine. He only muttered about how she was good and friendly and perfect. I wished he would come to his senses and realize that he had left her for a reason. During one of his muttering rants Sam grew quiet. He turned to me with wide eyes and whispered "I never loved Laine..." He abruptly left the room then and I heard him go to his room and close the door. I picked up my back pack and walked home. I was pretty sure Sam had gone crazy.
After that day we didn't play video games any more. I would read a book while Sam stared at my face and talked. In these weeks I realized more and more why Sam had left Laine. I realized that every smile he had with Laine and every day he had abandoned me had been a lie. Sam had somehow never loved this girl. Never mind the fact that she was cold and impossible to love anyway. Sam had tried to love for more than a year and failed. I watched him begin to fear that he couldn't love at all. But I knew it for sure: Sam would never be in love.
After Sam regained his composure he found other girls to date. These girls he made sure would tolerate our friendship. These girls were confused by Sam letting a younger girl follow him like a puppy. They didn't know Sam like I did. They didn't know that he would never love them. One by one these girls faded from the picture and it was just me and Sam again. Another year passed and Sam graduated. That summer Sam looked at me and told me he loved me. I wish I could have believed him, because it broke his heart that I was the only one he couldn't pretend with. But I couldn't let Sam pretend to love the only girl that ever loved him without any hope of receiving love in return.

Apologies and Letting Go

It has definitely been a lonnggggg time. For that I apologize, I hear music and have good intentions of posting but they never come to fruition. One I've been thinking of putting up is Apologies by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. It's a pretty song and I like her voice.
Hmmm. Oh yeah, my long estranged band of honorable mention came back to me. Passenger has a song called Let Her Go that I enjoyed listening to the other day as I chanced upon it.

On a more personal note I'm coming up on my two year anniversary! While in the grander scheme of things that isn't a long time, I'm grateful everyday for the amazing days and chances for more.

Pandora just started playing Look What You've Done -Jet, it is Throwback Thursday after all :p

Well, I'll probably think of some amazing song that I forgot and be back on here soon. À bientôt

A Drop in the Ocean -Ron Pope; Car crash+ Modern Love -Matt Nathanson

http://youtu.be/7hZpo1ZJDxM
I love this song! It comes on my pandora and I just dance.... Badly.... But still! :) His voice is exceptionally pretty, he could sing the Abc's and I'd be pretty happy. I hope you like him as much as I do!
I keep having Matt Nathanson songs come to my attention and these two are my favorites of the moment. I like car crash because even though its on a more melancholy note lyrics wise it still has a fast pace. Modern love cracks me up with the "watch your back- I'm nobody's girlfriend" line. I just really enjoy these two, they stick out from the crowd of music I've been listening to.
Hope you like them!